?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE ??
??FOUR, FIVE, SIX TAKE IT, DUDE ??
???? [ Continues ]
?? WAY TO GO ??
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ??
???? [ Rock Blaring ]
DID YOU SEE THAT ?
KIND OF HARD TO MISS. IT'S SO GROSS.
I THINK IT'S COOL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING THIS... FOR HIM.
IT'S NOT FOR HIM. I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND--
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND. I DON'T DO BOYFRIENDS.
BESIDES, HALF THE KIDS IN THE SCHOOL HAVE THEIR NOSES OR THEIR EARS PIERCED.
ERICA JACOBSON EVEN HAS HER BELLYBUTTON PIERCED. ERICA JACOBSON IS A WHORE.
A-AND IT'S DANGEROUS.
THIS GIRL IN TEXAS, HER BOYFRIEND WENT TO KISS HER,
HIS BRACES GOT CAUGHT IN HER TONGUE RING, RIPPED IT CLEAR OUT OF HER MOUTH.
THINGS LIKE THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN IN TEXAS.
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY WITH THE STUD IN HIS NOSTRIL ?
GANGRENE SET IN. HE HAD TO HAVE HIS ENTIRE NOSE AMPUTATED. URBAN LEGEND.
WHO'S NEXT ?
TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, HONEY.
SO, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT ? RIGHT OR LEFT ? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, MOST GUYS LIKE RIGHT.
OKAY.
EXCUSE ME, I-IS THIS GOING TO HURT ?
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU READY ?
[ Flesh Tearing ] OW !
[ Chuckles ]
???? [ Dance Beat ]
NOTICE THAT PRACTICALLY EVERY GUY IN HERE'S BEEN CRUISING US ?
I SHOULD'VE WARNED YOU THE CLIENTELE DOESN'T COME HERE FOR THE FIVE-STAR CUISINE.
[ Michael Narrating ] EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS WISHING THEY HAD A BOYFRIEND,
WE ALL PICTURE HOW HE'D LOOK, HOW HE'D SOUND,
HOW NICE IT'D BE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE,
YOUR DREAMS, YOUR DENTAL FLOSS.
A LITTLE DISCONCERTING WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT.
[ Michael ] SO HOW COME SO FEW OF US HAVE ONE ?
IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE LYING. MOST OF US COULDN'T COMMIT TO A HOUSEPLANT.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COMMIT TO HAVING A BOYFRIEND ?
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN BRIAN COMES HERE.
I'M SO SORRY. I PROMISED I WOULD NOT MENTION HIS NAME
FOR TEN MINUTES. I'D SETTLE FOR FIVE.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO STOP SMILING LIKE THAT.
LIKE WHAT ? LIKE THAT.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO COME ACROSS THE TABLE AND EAT YOU LIKE A DESSERT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WHIPPED CREAM WITH THAT ? [ Chuckles ]
[ Debbie ] STAY AWAY FROM THAT ONION, HONEY,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU TWO ARE PLANNING ON GOING AT IT ALL NIGHT.
MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
TRYING TO PAY MY BILLS. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT ?
THIS IS-- THIS IS YOUR , UH...
MOTHER.
I'M DEBBIE, AND YOU'RE...
GODDAMN GORGEOUS IS WHAT YOU ARE.
MA, THIS IS DAVID. AND I-- THOUGHT TONIGHT WAS YOUR NIGHT OFF.
OH YEAH, LORRAINE GOT FOOD POISONING. I THINK IT WAS THE SHISH KABOB.
[ Sputtering Laugh ] I'M JUST KIDDING.
OKAY, GOT TO GET CRANKING. GOT A LOT OF HUNGRY BOYS TO FEED.
JESUS, MY BACK IS KILLING ME.
HEY.
IF YOU LIFT FROM YOUR KNEES,
TAKES THE PRESSURE OFF YOUR BACK.
YOU FEEL THAT ? YEAH, I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
YOU'RE AN ANGEL. NO, I'M A CHIROPRACTOR.
YOU'RE ADOCTOR ? YEAH.
YOU'RE DATING A DOCTOR ?
HOW LONG WERE YOU PLANNING ON HIDING HIM FROM ME ?
AS LONG AS I COULD.
YOU'RE COMING FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
HE CAN'T. I CAN'T ?
YOU'VE GOT PLANS. HE'S GOT PLANS. HE'S VERY BUSY.
- DEBBIE, I'D LOVE TO. - GOOD FOR YOU. I'LL SEE YOU THERE, 7:30.
OKAY. [ Laughing ]
[ Jennifer ] CRAIG ?
AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ?
JUSTIN'S NOT GAY.
THOSE NUDE DRAWINGS YOU FOUND;
THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST AN ASSIGNMENT FOR ART CLASS.
AND THE UNDERWEAR, I'M SURE HE JUST BOUGHT IT FOR HIMSELF.
- IT'S NOT HIS SIZE. - STILL, THAT'S NO REASON TO SUSPECT THAT HE'S--
HE TOLD ME HIMSELF. SO WHAT ?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
A LOT OF KIDS THINK THAT.
THEY'RE CONFUSED, THEY'RE SCARED--
HE'S NOT CONFUSED, HE'S NOT SCARED. HEKNOWS.
- THE SAME WAY WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN. - NO, I HAVENOTALWAYS KNOWN.
AT LEAST SUSPECTED. NO, YOU'VE SUSPECTED.
HE'S NOT GAY. HE'S-- WHAT, SENSITIVE ?
DIFFERENT ? ARTISTIC ? HE'S HIS OWN PERSON.
YOU KNOW, NOT EVERY KID IS THE QUARTERBACK ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
-I THINK YOU BETTER TALK TO HIM. - [ Chuckles ]
AND SAY WHAT ? "YOUR MOTHER THINKS YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL" ?
BEFORE HE GETS HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE. BEFORE HE EXPOSES HIMSELF TO GOD KNOWS WHAT.
IF HE HASN'T ALREADY.
WAIT... YOU'RE SAYING HE'S DOING THINGS ?
HE'S... 17. HOW NAIVE CAN YOU BE ?
- SO WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ? - I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T.
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
DON'T I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE ?
HEY, JUSTIN ! HE'S NOT HERE.
HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO DAPHNE'S, BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT.
SO WHERE IS HE ?
THE OTHER NIGHT I FOUND HIM IN A GAY BAR.
I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS, JEN. YOU LET HIM GO TO THESE PLACES ?
- I HAD NO IDEA. - WELL, I'M PUTTING A STOP TO THIS, RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S MORE. HE'S SEEING SOMEONE.
SO WHO IS THIS KID ? I'LL CALL HIS PARENTS.
HE'S NOT A KID. HE'S A MAN.
HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.
[ Emmett ] I SAY IF IT WALKS LIKE A BOYFRIEND...
[ Ted ] AND TALKS LIKE A BOYFRIEND...
[ Both ] THEN IT MUST BE A BOYFRIEND.
WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ?
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT MIKEY'S GOT A STEADY.
HE'S NOT A STEADY. WE WENT OUT TWICE.
AROUND HERE, THAT'S A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'LL BE EXCHANGING RINGS. MMM...
AND THEN THERE'LL BE ONE OF THOSE COMMITMENT CEREMONIES
WHERE ALL, LIKE, 200 OF THE GUESTS
HAVE SLEPT WITH ONE, IF NOT BOTH, OF THE HAPPY COUPLE.
JUST, UM, PROMISE ME YOU WON'T WEAR MATCHING WHITE SUITS.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
WELL, THEN I SUGGEST YOU WATCH OUT FOR THE WARNING SIGNS.
- WHAT WARNING SIGNS ? - LIKE WHEN HE BRINGS YOU FLOWERS.
OR INVITES YOU AWAY FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND IN THE COUNTRY.
NOT THAT YOU'LL SEE MUCH BESIDES THE BEDROOM CEILING.
YOUR SHOT, MIKEY.
OH. OR THE MOST TELL-TALE SIGN OF ALL,
WHEN HE MEETS YOUR MOTHER AND UH, SHE INVITES HIM OVER FOR DINNER.
- SOMETHING THE MATTER ? - I LOST MY GRIP.
GUESS WHAT I GOT TODAY ? A NEW BELL FOR YOUR BICYCLE ?
A NIPPLE RING. EVERY PIECE OF TRASH HAS SOMETHING STUCK...
THROUGH THEIR EAR, OR THEIR NOSE, OR THEIR BELLYBUTTON, OR THEIR COCK.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED...
THAT YOU HAVE A RING THROUGH YOUR TIT ?
IT'S LATE. I GOT WORK.
DON'T FORGET ABOUT THIS FRIDAY. WHAT'S THIS FRIDAY ?
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW. TELL ME.
JUST SOME HEATHEN RITUAL CALLED "STUDS IN SUDS."
[ Justin ] "STUDS IN SUDS" ? WHAT'S THAT ?
[ Emmett ] WELL... [ Clears Throat ]
FIRST THEY FLOOD THE DANCE FLOOR OF BABYLON WITH SOAPSUDS--
THEN EVERYONE STRIPS DOWN TO THEIR UNDIES-- OR LESS... AND DANCES...
CHEEK TO CHEEK. [ Justin ] SOUNDS AWESOME.
IT'S DISGUSTING. cAN'T WAIT. SEE YOU THERE ?
- YOU BETTER BE THERE TOO. - DON'T WORRY.
[ Emmett ] GUESS WHO'S HEAD OVER HEELS ?
I THINK YOU MEAN "HEELS OVER HEAD".
[ Ted, Emmett Laughing ]
-DOES MICHAEL HAVE A BOYFRIEND ? -THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW. WELL...
DON'T STICK YOUR TIT IN WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG. OW.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
???? [ Techno, Indistinct ]
[ Moaning ]
OHH. UH.
[ Moans Continue ]
???? [ Continues ] COME ON-- OHH !
OHH !
[ Knocking on door ] OOH-OOH !
THAT MUST BE PRINCE CHARMING.
MAKE THAT THE WICKED WITCH.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ? - I'M HUNGRY, LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- I'M GOING TO MY MOM'S, REMEMBER ? - OH, RIGHT. DIN-DIN WITH DOC.
I FORGOT. HE'S GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE,
- SO YOU'D BETTER GO. - WHAT'S THIS ?
CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS, FROM THE BIG Q BAKERY. I BOUGHT THEM FOR DES--
WOW. IT'S TAKES YEARS OF PRACTICE TO DEVELOP TECHNIQUE LIKE THAT.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIM--
WHO SAID I DON'T LIKE HIM ? AND WHY DO YOU GIVE A FUCK WHAT I THINK ?
I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS.
WHAT MATTERS IS WHATYOUTHINK.
IF YOU LIKE HIM, THAT'S ALL THAT'S IMPORTANT.
EVEN THOUGH HE IS QUITE A BIT OLDER THAN YOU.
AND LIVES IN A WORLD YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. SHUT UP !
ARE YOU SAYING HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME ?
NOBODY'STOO GOOD FOR YOU, MIKEY. YOU'RE BETTER THAN ANYONE.
BECAUSE HE HAPPENS TO THINK I'M HOT. YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE DO.
HAVEN'T I ALWAYS TOLD YOU THAT ? [ Knocking On Door ]
[ Emmett ] I'LL GET IT.
DAVE, BUDDY. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
REALLY ? HI, EMMETT. HI.
THESE ARE GREAT, MY MOM'LL LOVE THESE.
[ Laughs ] HERS ARE IN THE CAR, THOSE ARE FOR YOU.
TSK. THE SECOND SIGN:
FLOWERS. I'LL JUST PUT THESE IN SOME WATER.
- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT ? -HE'S ALLERGIC TO BOYFRIENDS BRINGING BOUQUETS.
WELL, WE BETTER GO. [ Clears Throat ]
DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
DON'T FORGET THIS.
HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.
YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL ! YOU PROMISED !
JUSTIN, I HAD NO CHOICE. I HAD TO TELL DADDY.
YOU LIED TO ME. YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T. IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
WHEN I SAW YOU WITH THIS BRIAN--
YOU KEEP CALLING HIM "THIS BRIAN" LIKE THAT'S HIS NAME.
- IT'S JUST BRIAN. - WHEN I SAW YOU WITH BRIAN,
HIS ARMS AROUND YOU, KISSING YOU, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
NOT FOR THE REASON YOU THINK.
IT'S NOT RIGHT FOR A MAN HIS AGE TO BE TOUCHING YOU--
TO BE HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
AND...
EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY THINK YOU LOVE HIM, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. HE'S AN ADULT.
IT'S ILLEGAL FOR AN ADULT TO HAVE SEX WITH A MINOR.
HONEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, WE DON'T BLAME YOU.
- WE UNDERSTAND THIS MAN ENTICED YOU-- - HE DIDN'T ENTICE ME.
I WANTED HIM. JUSTIN... GOD !
Y-YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
CRAIG, PLEASE. YOU PROMISED YOU'D STAY CALM.
I-IAMCALM.
WHAT ABOUT AIDS ?
HE WORE A CONDOM. I PUT IT ON HIM MYSELF.
OH, GOD ! I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
YOU'RE NOT CALLING ANYBODY. THAT'S ALL WE NEED IS FOR EVERYBODY TO KNOW.
WHAT, YOU WANT THIS MONSTER, THIS...
CHILD MOLESTER TO GO FREE ?
HE DIDN'T MOLEST ME. AND I'M NOT A CHILD.
I LOVE HIM... MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.
IT'S ALL I WANT, IS TO BE WITH HIM.
I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT AGAIN.
AND YOU ARE NOT TO SEE HIM.
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
I DON'T THINK SO. NO YOU'RE NOT, JUSTIN.
HEY, JUSTIN !
HAVE SOME MORE CARBONARA, DAVID.
I'M STUFFED, THANKS.
OH, COME ON. WITH THAT BODY, YOU CAN AFFORD TO CARBO-LOAD.
YEAH, YOU MUST WORK OUT ALL THE TIME.
WELL, WHEN I CAN.
FEEL THOSE BICEPS.
I NEVER COULD RESIST A HARD BODY.
LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON.
LIKE UNCLE.
LIKE, WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE ?
NEXT YOU'LL BE ASKING WHAT KIND OF CAR HE DRIVES,
- AND HOW MUCH HE MAKES. - [ Laughs ]
I DRIVE A JAG, AND I'M COMFORTABLE.
MICHAEL, IF YOU DON'T MARRY THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY, I WILL.
I THINK I WILL HAVE A LITTLE MORE. ME TOO.
[ Debbie Laughing ] IT'S LIKE LADY AND THE TRAMP.
LADY AND THE TRAMP ?
- IT'S MICHAEL'S FAVORITE MOVIE. - WHEN I WAS NINE.
SEE, LADY AND TRAMP GO ON THIS DATE,..
TO AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT,
AND THEN THE WAITER--
TONY. WHAT ELSE WOULD HIS NAME BE ?
...BRINGS OVER THIS BIG BOWL OF SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS.
AND, UM, AND THEY PUT THEIR HEAD IN THE BOWL.
THEY'RE DOGS,
[ Laughing ]
AND THEY COME UP WITH THIS ONE SINGLE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI.
AND THEN THEY CHEW AND THEY CHEW AND...
[ Vic ] AND THEY GET CLOSER AND CLOSER...
UNTIL FINALLY, THEIR LIPS MEET.
IT IS, IN MY ESTIMATION, THE GREATEST SCREEN KISS EVER.
YEAH, I-I REMEMBER IT.
LIKE THIS.
???? [ Accordion ]
THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE MOVIE.
YOU WANT TO SEE MY OLD ROOM ?
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR OLD ROOM.
BE GENTLE. [ Laughing ]
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK TO DO THIS. ME TOO.
JUST HASN'T BEEN ANY TIME.
I KNOW, IT'S HARD...
FINDING THE TIME. [ Laughing ]
I GOT A SOLUTION.
MM-HMM. I GOT A SOLUTION.
HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GO AWAY WITH ME FOR THE WEEKEND ?
HUH ?
I GOT A CABIN UP IN THE WOODS.
WOULD I GET TO SEE ANYTHING BESIDES THE BEDROOM CEILING ?
WORD OF HONOR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY ?
[ Debbie Hollering ] SAY "YES", YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE, OR I'LL DISOWN YOU.
[ Laughing ]
LIKE I SAID, IT'S A VERY SMALL HOUSE.
???? [ Accordion ]
[ Clatter of typing ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
SIX FULLER, CORNER OF TREMONT. IT SHOULD TAKE YOU 10 MINUTES:
ONE FOR EVERY INCH.
[ Knocking ]
YOU GOT LAID. I DID NOT.
YES YOU DID.
I CAN ALWAYS TELL.
I THOUGHT YOU AND DAVE WERE HAVING DINNER AT DEB'S ?
DINNER'S OVER. [ Scoffing ] WHAT ?
DID SHE SCARE HIM OFF ? ACTUALLY,
SHE AND VIC WERE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR.
THAT'S EVEN SCARIER. LISTEN, YOU CAN'T STAY.
I'VE GOT SOMEONE COMING OVER IN APPROXIMATELY
SEVEN AND A HALF INCHES, SO...
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW,
AT "STUDS IN SUDS."
I CAN'T GO.
THAT'S WHAT I CAME OVER HERE TO TELL YOU.
DAVID INVITED ME AWAY WITH HIM FOR THE WEEKEND.
HE HAS A CABIN.
WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW. JUST LIKE THE BOYS SAID:
FLOWERS, DINNER AT MOM'S,
AND NOW AN INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY.
YOU'RE MAD. WHY WOULD I BE MAD ?
I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO BE ON A CROWDED DANCE FLOOR,
SURROUNDED BY NAKED MEN COVERED IN SOAPSUDS,
WHEN YOU CAN BE BREATHING ALL THAT...
FRESH, COUNTRY AIR ?
[ Phone Ringing ]
JUST DON'T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR INHALER, IN CASE YOUR ASTHMA ATTACKS.
MUST HAVE GOTTEN LOST.
I TOLD YOU, SIX FULLER, CORNER OF TREMONT.
NOW GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.
I'VE GOT THIS NEW DILDO:
NINE INCHES LONG, SEVEN INCHES AROUND.
I'M GOING TO OPEN UP YOUR HOLE WITH IT,
AND THEN I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU SO HARD
YOU'RE EYES'LL ROLL BACK IN YOUR HEAD.
YOU EVER CONSIDERED A CAREER IN PHONE SALES ?
GET OUT OF HERE.
[ Phone Ringing ]
NOW WHAT ?
DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL ?
THAT WASN'T YOU ?
IT'S MY NECK AGAIN. I CAN BARELY MOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT THE PERIWINKLE OR THE APRICOT ?
- SHH ! - I THINK THE APRICOT GOES BETTER WITH YOUR EYES.
UH, YEAH, I-I THINK IT'LL BE BETTER IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
OH, DON'T WORRY. I DEFINITELY PLAN ON SEEING MY CHIROPRACTOR.
[ Chuckles ] THANKS.
THANKS, BYE.
YOU KNOW WHAT GROWS WHEN YOU LIE.
- TOO BAD IT'S YOUR NOSE. - I'M ENTITLED TO A COUPLE OF PERSONAL DAYS.
MICHAEL, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO A PERSONAL LIFE.
ALL RIGHT, HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHING ?
UH, FIVE PAIRS OF JEANS,
SEVEN SHIRTS, FOUR SWEATERS, AND TEN T's.
- HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING FOR ? - THE WEEKEND.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE CHANGE OF UNDIES.
A PACK OF CONDOMS.
TUBE OF LUBE.
THERE, YOU'RE ALL SET. [ Laughs ]
REMEMBER WHEN MY MOM TOOK ME TO ATLANTIC CITY
AND I GOT SICK ON ALL THAT SALT WATER TAFFY ?
LISTEN TO HIM. HE'S GOT COLD FEET ALREADY.
I'M NOT GETTING COLD FEET. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DO FOR A WHOLE WEEKEND.
WELL, LET'S SEE. FIRST YOU ARRIVE, THEN YOU FUCK.
THEN YOU UNPACK, THEN YOU FUCK.
THEN YOU GO BERRY-PICKING. THEN YOU FUCK.
- I MEAN AFTER YOU FUCK. - YOU TALK. YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
WHAT IF I RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY ? WHAT IF I SAY SOME STUPID REMARK AND HE SAYS,
"WHY AM I UP HERE WITH THIS JERK ?"
OR WHAT IF... HEY, HEY !
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP WORRYING ?
I JUST WANT HIM TO LIKE ME.
HE ALREADY DOES.
HEMORETHAN LIKES YOU.
SO YOU GO.
AND YOU HAVE A FABULOUS TIME.
AND BRING US BACK SOME BERRIES.
THAT'S... NOT MY BERRIES.
HOW MUCH ? 2,000.
WHO KNEW IT WOULD BE SO EXPENSIVE HAVING A KID ?
OBVIOUSLY WE DIDN'T.
CAN I TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU TO DEATH ?
HMM. YOU AND MELANIE REALLY ARE AFTER MY LIFE INSURANCE.
AND THAT YOU ARE EXCEEDINGLY GENEROUS ?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH LEFT FOR "STUDS IN SUDS."
OH, IS THAT THIS WEEKEND ? YOU GOING WITH MICHAEL ?
MICHAEL WENT TO THE COUNTRY WITH THE PROCTOLOGIST. CHIROPRACTOR.
WHATEVER. OH, SOUNDS ROMANTIC.
PEACEFUL WALKS, COZY FIRES.
STEPPING IN BEAR SHIT, BEING STUNG BY MOSQUITOS.
I GUARANTEE YOU AFTER TWO DAYS
HE'LL WISH HE WAS BACK HERE WITH ME IN BABYLON. I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.
HE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE A CHANGE OF SCENE,
NOT TO MENTION SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH HIM.
YOU KNOW, I TOLD HIM, "I'M GLAD YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH DAVE."
HE CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE
TRICKING AND GOING TO CLUBS.
IT'S TIME HE SETTLED DOWN...
AND GREW UP. [ Laughing ]
YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHY TWO PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO BE TOGETHER, CAN YOU ?
THE DESIRE TO FALL ASLEEP IN FRONT OF JAY LENO,
AND ARGUE OVER WHOSE TURN IT IS TO PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING ?
IT'S CALLED NOT WANTING TO BE ALONE.
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE LOVED.
APPARENTLY A LOT OF US NEED THAT,
INCLUDING MICHAEL.
SO PROMISE ME YOU WON'T FUCK IT UP FOR HIM.
YOU RAN INTO MY LANE, YOU STUPID ASS !
I COULDN'T SEE YOU. I FORGOT MY CONTACTS.
FAGGOT.
HEY, TAYLOR. AREN'T YOU GONNA TAKE A SHOWER ?
I HAVE TO FINISH A PAPER FOR NESSLER. YOU KNOW WHAT A BITCH SHE IS.
DON'T YOU WANNA CHECK OUT ALL THE GUYS' DICKS ?
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THAT.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT ? LET'S SEE. NOTHING.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT ?
A PIERCING PARLOR ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
SHIT. YOU REALLY ARE A QUEER. AM NOT !
- YEAH ? THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE A NIPPLE RING ? - I WANTED IT.
YEAH, SO YOUR FUDGE-PACKING FRIENDS CAN PULL ON IT WHILE THEY'RE BUTT-FUCKING YOU ?
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT FAGGOTS DO, UNLESS YOU ARE ONE ?
COME ON ! MOTHERFUCKING BITCH !
- FUCKING SON OF A BITCH ! - [ Spits ]
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING--
WOW.
YOU REALLY BUILT THIS PLACE YOURSELF ?
MOST OF IT.
I'M GOOD WITH MY HANDS.
[ Both Chuckling ] YEAH, I'VE NOTICED.
[ Breathes Deeply ] GOD, HOW GOOD FRESH AIR SMELLS.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN THE COUNTRY ?
WE VISITED A DAIRY IN THE THIRD GRADE. THAT'S A LONG TIME.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
I'M JUST GOING TO THROW THIS BAG UPSTAIRS.
SO DID YOU CATCH THAT FISH OR CHALLENGE IT TO A DUEL ?
I-I CAUGHT THAT WITH SOME FRIENDS DOWN IN THE FLORIDA KEYS.
- WHO'S THIS ? - MY EX.
EX-SCUBA-DIVING INSTRUCTOR ? EX-FIGURE-SKATING PARTNER ?
EX-WIFE.
SHE'S PRETTY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED.
YEAH, SEVEN YEARS.
AND THAT IS MY SON, HANK.
HE'S 12 NOW.
HE'S, UH, LIVING WITH HIS MOM DOWN IN OREGON.
I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM TOO MUCH ANYMORE.
SO YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS GAY ?
NO, I WAS ALWAYS GAY.
JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT.
AND BEING THE OVERACHIEVER THAT I AM,
I FIGURED THAT IF I WORKED HARD ENOUGH,
I COULD BECOME ANYTHING I WANTED, INCLUDING STRAIGHT.
SO I MARRIED LORI. AND FOR A LONG TIME WE WERE HAPPY.
BUILT THIS PLACE TOGETHER.
BUT EVENTUALLY, IT BECAME HARDER TO--
TO DENY WHO I REALLY WAS.
WHO I AM.
SO I TOLD HER.
I-I-- IT WAS THE ONLY FAIR THING TO DO. [ Horse Whinnying ]
FOR EITHER OF US.
SHE MUST'VE BEEN REALLY UPSET.
AFTER WE SPLIT UP... [ Clears Throat ]
AFTER WE SPLIT UP, I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WOULD--
WELL, THAT I WOULD BE HONEST WITH ME...
AND THAT I WOULD ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH ANYONE ELSE THAT I LOVED.
WHICH, I GUESS, IS WHY I'M TELLING YOU.
WHOA. YOU ALL RIGHT ?
MUST BE ALL THIS FRESH AIR.
???? [ Disco ]
AREN'T YOU GOING TO DIVE IN, JOIN THE FUN ?
I ALREADY TOOK A BATH, BUT IF YOU WANT TO JUMP IN, I PROMISE I WON'T LOOK.
YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE. [ Emmett ] HEY !
YOU TWO WALLFLOWERS.
COME ON IN, THE SUDS ARE GREAT !
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
MY RUBBER DUCKY ! QUACK, QUACK !
[ Laughing ]
THAT'S PATHETIC.
I THOUGHT "STUDS IN SUDS" WAS YOUR FAVORITE CONTACT SPORT.
WHAT ? A BUNCH OF FAGS SLIDING AROUND IN THEIR SHORTS ?
YOU ALWAYS SEEMED TO ENJOY YOURSELF WHEN MICHAEL WAS HERE.
BUT I GUESS IT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN SCORING
WITHOUT YOUR LITTLE AUDIENCE OF ONE, IS IT ?
YOU KNOW, AS THE GREAT FRENCH PHILOSOPHER
ROQUEFORT OR, WHAT WAS IT CAMEMBERT ONCE SAID, "IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO TRICK.
YOUR BEST FRIEND MUST ALSO GO HOME ALONE."
FUCK YOU.
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT MICHAEL ONCE TONIGHT. HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ?
JUST LIKE WHEN HE'S HERE !
???? [ Continues ]
[ Man ] HEY ! REMEMBER ME ? WHY ? SHOULD I ?
WE DID IT AT THE BATHS A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
I MUST'VE BEEN VERY DESPERATE. FUCK YOU !
[ Engine Starting ] WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ?
FUCK YOU !
???? [ Car Stereo Blaring ]
[ Tape Deck Clatters ]
[ Engine Revving ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY FUCK ?
[ Birds Chirping ]
[ Moaning ]
AH ! OHH ! OHH !
OH, GOD. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. [ Laughing ]
AND THEY SAID I'D NEVER BE ANY GOOD AT OUTDOOR SPORTS. [ Laughing ]
[ Panting ] OHH.
DON'T GO, DON'T GO.
OKAY, BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU, A GIRL SCOUT TROOP COMES THROUGH HERE EVERY DAY.
HOLY SHIT ! [ Laughing ] I'M KIDDING !
I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.
WE CAN STAY HERE FOREVER, IF YOU LIKE.
I'D LIKE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT COMING UP HERE THIS WEEKEND.
OH ?
BUT IT TURNS OUT I HAD NO REASON TO BE.
GOOD. SO WE CAN GO AWAY TOGETHER AGAIN SOMETIME.
[ Sucks Air ] MAYBE. YOU EVER BEEN SKIING ?
NOT REALLY.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN NEW YORK ? LIKE, NEVER ?
LONDON ? PARIS ? THE AMALFI COAST ?
TRY ATLANTIC CITY, 1983. MICHAEL. MICHAEL.
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUTSIDE LIBERTY AVENUE.
I'D LIKE TO SHOW IT TO YOU, IF YOU'D LET ME.
BUT FIRST...
WE SWIM.
COME ON !
COME ON ! COME ON !
WHOO ! WHOA !
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. [ Water Splashes ]
[ Speed Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]
GUESS WHAT I'M DOING ? RUBBING PINK STUFF ALL OVER THE POISON IVY...
YOU GOT WHEN THAT BEAR CHASED YOU THROUGH THE WOODS.
BASKING IN THE AFTERGLOW OF HAVING...
JUST MADE LOVE TO DAVID UNDER A TREE, ASSHOLE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FALCON VIDEOPAC 77, MAN'S COUNTRY.
[ Chuckles ] IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
I'VE NEVER HAD SEX OUTDOORS BEFORE. SURE YOU DID.
IN THE BACK ALLEY BEHIND BABYLON.
I DON'T MEAN THE KIND THAT TAKES FIVE MINUTES...
WITH YOUR PANTS AROUND YOUR KNEES...
AND YOUR BUTT AGAINST THE BRICKS.
SO HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND ?
DANDY. YEAH ?
HOW WAS "STUDS IN SUDS" ? BUBBLY.
TOO BAD YOU WEREN'T THERE.
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON.
NOTHING. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. OUT WITH IT.
[ Sighs Deeply ] ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
YOU WON'T LET IT SPOIL YOUR WEEKEND.
MICHAEL, HURRY UP, COME ON, IT'S WARM. RIGHT THERE.
- WHAT ? - I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT, THAT'S ALL.
WHAT KIND OF ACCIDENT ?
I WOULDN'T FUCK THIS SCUMBAG, SO HE RAMMED MY JEEP...
- TWICE. - CHRIST. ARE YOU OKAY ?
WELL, I HAVE A MINOR HEAD WOUND AND A CONCUSSION.
OH MY GOD. NOW YOU PROMISED,,,
YOU WOULDN'T LET IT SPOIL YOUR WEEKEND, SO DON'T YOU EVEN THINK...
ABOUT CUTTING YOUR TRIP SHORT AND COMING BACK HERE.
YOU AND DOC JUST ENJOY YOUR POKE IN THE PINES.
BYE, MIKEY.
ARE YOU COMING IN ?
- WHAT-- WHAT'S UP ? - I HAVE TO GO BACK.
[ Door Opening, Closing ]
MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CAR ?
[ Door Opening ] SOME ASSHOLE IN A JEEP BACKED INTO ME.
[ Door Closing ] WELL, DID, DID YOU GET HIS INFORMATION ?
IT WAS DARK, HONEY. HE DROVE OFF BEFORE I COULD SEE HIM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING ? [ Justin ] OUT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE.
WHAT ? SO NOW I'M A PRISONER ?
I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL, JUSTIN, YESTERDAY.
-YOUR PRINCIPAL CALLED. - SO ?
"SO" ? SO NOW YOU'RE FLAUNTING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ?
I WAS NOT "FLAUNTING MYSELF," DAD.
BESIDES, CHRIS HOBBS IS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT ? I DON'T CARE WHO STARTED IT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK THERE.
WHAT ?
WE'RE SENDING HIM AWAY TO SCHOOL.
IT'S TIME YOU LEARNED SOME DISCIPLINE.
HOW TO BE A MAN.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT DISCIPLINE.
- AND YOU SHOULD SEE ME TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. - [ Jennifer Gasps ]
- CRAIG ! - IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM. IT DIDN'T HURT.
IF YOU WANT TO HIT ME, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
ONLY I'M NOT GOING TO CRY LIKE SOME LITTLE FAGGOT.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEND ME AWAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TOO.
'CAUSE I BET MORE BUTT-FUCKING GOES ON IN BOARDING SCHOOL...
THAN IN THE BACK ROOM OF BABYLON.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,
IT'S NOT GOING MATTER.
'CAUSE I'LL STILL BE YOUR QUEER SON.
[ Frustrated Sigh ]
- HAVE SOME TEA. - IT'S TOO HOT.
- HERE, PUT THIS ICEBAG ON YOUR HEAD. - THAT'S TOO COLD.
WHAT ARE YOU, GOLDILOCKS ?
TIME FOR YOUR TEMPERATURE. ROLL OVER !
[ All Laughing ]
YOU'RE NOT STICKING THAT THING UP MY ASS.
GEEZ, THAT ACCIDENT MUST'VE REALLY JARRED YOUR BRAIN.
IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. THAT ASSHOLE KEPT RAMMING ME.
- DID YOU GET HIS LICENSE ? - IT WAS DARK.
- WHAT KIND OF CAR WAS IT ? - I DON'T KNOW, SOME SILVER THING.
OH MY GOD ! IT WAS MY DAD. I KNOW IT.
I SAW HIS CAR, IT WAS TOTALLY SMASHED.
HMM, NOW WHY WOULD YOUR FATHER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ?
BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD HIM EVERYTHING.
HE WANTS TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED AND SEND ME AWAY.
- DON'T BE A DRAMA PRINCESS. - YOU'D BETTER BE CAREFUL, JUST IN CASE.
[ Scoffs ] DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I'M INVINCIBLE.
YEAH, YOU ALSO GOT A CONCUSSION,
WELL FUCK IT. IT'S PARTY TIME. ???? [ Disco ]
COME ON, TEDDY, SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THANG.
HEY, GUYS. JOIN THE PARTY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY HURT.
I AM.
- MICHAEL INSISTED WE COME RIGHT BACK. - I TOLD YOU NOT TO.
I KNOW, BUT...
DON'T GO AFTER HIM, MIKEY.
DON'TEVER GO AFTER ANYONE.
- SORRY. BRIAN. - FOR WHAT ?
I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, HIS MANIPULATIONS.
HE GETS A REAL KICK OUT OF THAT, DOESN'T HE ?
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD JUST TURN, WALK AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.
WELL, THAT'S ONE OPTION.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU THINK MICHAEL'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO.
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
I LIKE DOING PRO BONO WORK. REMINDS ME I HAVE A HEART.
WHAT IS IT WITH BRIAN KINNEY ?
I MEAN, SURE, HE'S GOOD-LOOKING. BUT A LOT OF GUYS ARE GOOD-LOOKING.
AND HE'S GOT HIS FUCKING CHARM; BUT WE ALL HAVE THAT WHEN WE WANT IT.
- BUT WHAT IS IT WITH HIM ? - I DON'T KNOW. LINDSAY SAYS IT'S THAT HE'LL DO ANYTHING,
SAY ANYTHING, FUCK ANYTHING.
NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
???? [ Techno-Disco ]
[ Inhaling Popper ]
THERE'S DAVID.
IS THERE SOME ROOM ON YOUR DANCE CARD FOR ME ?
SURE.
NOT YOU... YOU.
WHY, DOC. I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
MAN, DAVID LOOKS HOT.
WHY IS HE DANCING WITH BRIAN ?
???? [ Continues ]
YOU DON'T DANCE HALF-BAD.
I DANCE DAMN GOOD.
HAVEN'T DONE IT FOR A WHILE.
YOU SHOULD GO OUT MORE OFTEN.
YEAH, WELL THERE'S NOTHING HERE THAT INTERESTS ME.
THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE ?
CAME TO SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW, FOR A GUY THAT WAS ON DEATH'S DOORSTEP, YOU MADE A REMARKABLE RECOVERY.
WELL, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER AND... DRUGS.
I TOLD MIKEY YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT, BUT HE HAD TO COME RUNNING BACK.
WHAT CAN I SAY ? HE'S A SWEETHEART.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THAT MATTERS TO HIM.
YOU'RE HIS WORLD, HIS LIFE.
EVERYTHING HE THINKS ABOUT, EVERYTHING HE DREAMS OF, EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND SINCE WE WERE 14.
THAT'S 16 YEARS OF WAITING.
HE'S BEEN WAITING SO LONG, HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE'S HAPPY.
BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT HE'S NEVER GOING TO GET WHAT HE REALLY WANTS, IS HE ?
AND WHAT IS THAT, DOC ? FOR YOU TO FUCK HIM.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW IT,
AND YOU LOVE KNOWING IT. YOU'VE BEEN AROUND FOR WHAT, A WEEK ?
YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM ?
YOU DON'T.
I'D LIKE TO.
BUT I NEVER WILL AS LONG AS YOU'RE AROUND.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR.
YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE THAT, AND HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
I'M NOT GOING TO DISAPPEAR.
BECAUSE I WANT HIM.
EVEN MORE THAN YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE HIM.
SO IF YOU'RE REALLY HIS BEST FRIEND,
GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY, TO HAVE A LIFE.
HIS OWN LIFE.
LET HIM GO.
[ Dancers Whooping ]
???? [ Continues ]